Did that sentence make you uncomfortable?
Every week I attend a fabulous group for midlife professional women which is all about us as women and very little about us defined by our job titles. There’s very little traditional networking. We all talk about the things that affect us now, at this stage in our life.
It’s an international group and no subject is off limits.
This week the subject got around to sex and we quickly realised that women the World over are reluctant to talk about sex not just with their friends, but with their partners and other women.
I want to change that.
Sex is great.
I loved it so much I made it my career for a short while. It’s also what motivated me to do what I do now and to study for my psychology degree.
I have much to thank sex and my high libido for.
However, as midlife hit, sex stopped becoming so much fun.
It became a chore.
It became painful at times.
It became something I began to dread.
I could quite easily live without it.
How ironic that just a number of years earlier I was earning my living from it and now I really wasn’t interested.
My background made me recognise that I needed to do something about it. Not that I was getting pressurised by my partner, but I wanted to do something about it before sex between us became a dim and distant memory.
This is the stage many of the women on my Tuesday night call are at.
As soon as I shared my background, the conversation opened up. There seemed to be a collective sigh of relief that here was someone giving them permission to talk about sex, and the questions started coming thick and fast (no pun intended).
These are successful career and business-women, all rediscovering their bodies and themselves at this stage of midlife.
There was no embarrassment, no titillation, no judgement. A group of intelligent women of a certain age openly talking about their personal lives and wanting to find solutions.
I see so many relationships getting into trouble in midlife due to so much ignorance and misunderstanding about sex at this time of life.
Yes, life gets in the way. Stress and worries in the workplace can impact our desire. The teenagers in the next bedroom can cramp your style a bit but it’s possible to reinvigorate your sex life if you want to.
Libidos change. What turned us on at 20 isn’t necessarily going to do the same at 40 or 50 or 60.
Improving our sex life and relationship has a massive impact on our productivity in the workplace too so you owe it to your business or your boss to be having great sex in midlife.
Get in touch with me and let me help you bring some passion back to the bedroom that will have an impact in the boardroom. Or ask me a completely confidential question that will be answered on my podcast, in my Facebook group or YouTube. It’s a win, win.
For those of us old enough to remember the furore surrounding the release of the film, and that iconic scene when Mickey Rourke fed Kim Basinger food from the fridge in a manner that sated sexual hunger more than physical hunger, it will have created a desire for adult relationships that are far from the reality of the lived experience of many of us.
Raised on a diet of Disney princesses, fairy tales and happy ever afters and growing up as Thatcher’s children when we were told we could have it all, we left home bright-eyed and bushy-tailed expecting to be the CEO by the time we were 25, have a man as both our equal and our provider and look fabulously fit and perfectly groomed all at the same time.
We also expected our sex lives to be sizzling hot. Our parents had after all lived through the swinging 60’s and the 70’s years of free love. In the 80’s and 90’s we were going to be performing sexual acrobatics, experimenting with all sorts of toys, bondage and aphrodisiacs whilst wearing lingerie that only has one purpose (to be removed) and now, thanks to 9½ weeks we were going to be getting really down and dirty with food too.
How many of us have had one or more foods consumed from our bodies? How many of us have experienced the thrill of an ice cube being traced over our nipples and between our breasts? How many of us have been seductively fed food from the fridge without worrying about the mess it was making on our clothes or the floor? After that, how many of us have had searingly hot sex that left us breathless, sweaty and aching just a little bit in all the right places?
Then our 40’s and 50’s hit us with the speed of an Intercity 125, and a couple of children later, we’ve climbed that corporate ladder, we’re financially secure, we’ve got the house and the car and the only thrill of excitement remotely near what 9½ weeks promised us comes after a period of teasing anticipation when we finally seal the deal, get the client and sign the contract.
We return home, hoping to prolong the excitement, high on the endorphins coursing through our veins and knowing that RIGHT NOW we could be having the most incredible mind-blowing sex, a la Basinger and Rourke only to find our partner slumped in front of the TV in a scene akin to The Simpsons, mug of tea or a beer or wine close at hand, wondering ‘what’s for dinner?’ and ‘where are the kids?’
We roll our eyes, take a sharp intake of breath and burst the bubble, filing away our fantasies and desires for another day wishing they would understand. The harsh truth is, they do and they’re feeling the same about you!
Then we make dinner, load the dishwasher properly, sort out the tangled mess of clothes and dirty underwear in the laundry basket, pour a glass of wine, and before we know it the bottle is empty, the TV is mindlessly churning out the latest detective series and you and your partner have barely spoken all evening. The kids have finished their homework and put themselves to bed and now it’s midnight.
The opportunity for lust-fuelled sex with the one we promised to love and honour, ‘til death do us part’ has passed and we fall into bed, ready to repeat it all again the next day, and the next and the next, like some sort of Groundhog day, a film not known for fuelling wild sexual fantasies.
But it doesn’t have to be like this, it is possible to have a seriously sensual, loving and orgasmic relationship with your partner, regardless how long it’s been since those days were the norm and it’s possible to get that back, in as little as 9½ weeks.
So, what have you done in the past 9½ weeks? What are the next 9½ weeks going to look like, feel like, sound like or taste like?
If you’d like to get your best relationship ever in the next 9½ weeks book a call with me here and let’s find your sexy.
It’s National Strawberry Day in the US and as I was looking for numerous images to create a happy little meme I couldn’t help but notice the number of pictures that showed a woman seductively popping a very ripe strawberry into her perfectly painted mouth.
You don’t need me to tell you that everywhere you look are images of women oozing sex. Boobs and bums are flashed at us at every opportunity, in the traditional media, on social media, in advertising. Let’s face it, Sex Sells.
It’s always been a fascination to me that men who exude sexual energy are lauded for their masculinity whilst women exuding the same energy are belittled and objectified. I’m not about to rehash the age-old debate about us being in a patriarchal society and ‘nice’ women don’t do things like that.
Quite frankly, I’m sick of it.
But why is it that women are so scared of sexual energy? What do we think it’s going to do to us? Suddenly turn us into raging nymphomaniacs overnight so we become someone you wouldn’t want to have a long-term relationship with but happy to have as a ‘booty call’?
I personally feel it’s time to rewrite that debate and harness the feminine power within us all when we embrace our sexual energy and engage it to improve our lives, our wellbeing and society at large.
In Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs Sex (or reproduction) is one of the absolute basic physiological needs of humans.
Why, therefore, do we spend so much time as a society encouraging sexualisation on a wider scale but refuse to talk about it in ‘polite society’?
It’s about time we accepted that ALL human beings, regardless of gender, have sexual needs, desires and energy, and embracing and engaging this in a positive manner across society can only result in positive outcomes.
As long as we keep it hidden, taboo and something sleazy then it will continue to effect society in a harmful, dark and dangerous manner.
Sex is good, sexual energy is powerful. Power, used in positive ways, is something that can do as much good to society as a bowl of perfectly ripe and juicy strawberries can do to the mind and body of the individual savouring them.