Did that sentence make you uncomfortable?
Every week I attend a fabulous group for midlife professional women which is all about us as women and very little about us defined by our job titles. There’s very little traditional networking. We all talk about the things that affect us now, at this stage in our life.
It’s an international group and no subject is off limits.
This week the subject got around to sex and we quickly realised that women the World over are reluctant to talk about sex not just with their friends, but with their partners and other women.
I want to change that.
Sex is great.
I loved it so much I made it my career for a short while. It’s also what motivated me to do what I do now and to study for my psychology degree.
I have much to thank sex and my high libido for.
However, as midlife hit, sex stopped becoming so much fun.
It became a chore.
It became painful at times.
It became something I began to dread.
I could quite easily live without it.
How ironic that just a number of years earlier I was earning my living from it and now I really wasn’t interested.
My background made me recognise that I needed to do something about it. Not that I was getting pressurised by my partner, but I wanted to do something about it before sex between us became a dim and distant memory.
This is the stage many of the women on my Tuesday night call are at.
As soon as I shared my background, the conversation opened up. There seemed to be a collective sigh of relief that here was someone giving them permission to talk about sex, and the questions started coming thick and fast (no pun intended).
These are successful career and business-women, all rediscovering their bodies and themselves at this stage of midlife.
There was no embarrassment, no titillation, no judgement. A group of intelligent women of a certain age openly talking about their personal lives and wanting to find solutions.
I see so many relationships getting into trouble in midlife due to so much ignorance and misunderstanding about sex at this time of life.
Yes, life gets in the way. Stress and worries in the workplace can impact our desire. The teenagers in the next bedroom can cramp your style a bit but it’s possible to reinvigorate your sex life if you want to.
Libidos change. What turned us on at 20 isn’t necessarily going to do the same at 40 or 50 or 60.
Improving our sex life and relationship has a massive impact on our productivity in the workplace too so you owe it to your business or your boss to be having great sex in midlife.
Get in touch with me and let me help you bring some passion back to the bedroom that will have an impact in the boardroom. Or ask me a completely confidential question that will be answered on my podcast, in my Facebook group or YouTube. It’s a win, win.
With ‘Divorce Day’ fast approaching – the first working Monday of January is dubbed ‘Divorce Day’ by the legal profession as that’s the day most divorce petitions are filed. It follows what is often a stressful time for year for relationships that are already on thin ice, with Christmas and New Year often causing seismic cracks to appear and the relationship to become a casualty of falling through the ice.
I get it.
The festive period is fraught with stress, anxiety and far too many opportunities to mess things up, from a one-too- many festive sherry, to an inappropriate snog under the mistletoe, from telling great Uncle George what you really think of his out-dated attitude and opinions, to upsetting your mother-in-law for refusing her offer of helping with the sprouts (because she’s been boiling them to death since October!).
Then there’s your partner or spouse, either buying the wrong gifts or no gifts at all, or leaving you to deal with the kids and family whilst he goes out for a run, to the football, to buy a pint of milk (AKA a swift pint in the local pub that turns into a lengthy session with his mates) leaving you to worry about absolutely everything whilst still trying to run the home, respond to your work emails and be polite to the in-laws.
You’ve made it through all of that but you’ve woken up in this first week of January and thought ‘I’m not doing that again’ or ‘I’m not allowing myself to be put upon like that again’ and it’s got you thinking about whether it was just Christmas and New Year pressure or whether you feel like that all the time.
You’re an intelligent mid-life woman, and your instinct is s**t-hot in the workplace but now, when it’s closer to home, you’re not sure if your instinct is off.
Maybe it’s just hormones?
Maybe you’re not handling pressure the same as you used to?
Maybe it’s because the kids are older? Even though they’re more independent it seems just as stressful as when they were younger, because now you’re worrying about them drinking too much, offending relatives or just excusing themselves and leaving you to carry the load.
Maybe you just need a break?
Or maybe, you just need to be able to talk through this stuff with someone who’s been there, who’s totally objective and will let you change your mind a million times if you want to. Who won’t tell you what to do but will give you permission to say what’s really bothering you.
Often when we reach this stage in a relationship we just need to be able to vent our frustration and our feelings to someone who isn’t invested in our relationship. Who won’t take sides and who won’t tell us what we should do or say ‘I told you so’.
Just because you feel this way about your partner or spouse doesn’t mean you’re necessarily doomed. It just means you need to find a way to express yourself and to communicate your frustrations to your partner in a way that won’t cause a heated argument.
The best way to change what you want your partner to do is to model that behaviour and language to them, but where to start?
Try saying ‘Thank you’ for the small stuff, the unexpected cup of tea, them making the bed instead of you, them buying milk because they noticed you were nearly out, them putting the laundry out (even if they don’t do it quite the way you do it).
And when you find yourself about to speak in exasperation, frustration or anger, count to five and think about the words you want to use and the tone in which you’ll share them.
Such small and simple changes but they can have a massive impact.
Isn’t it worth it to avoid being a statistic on Divorce Day?
If you need a hand making these small changes, get in touch for a free and no-obligation heart-to-heart call I guarantee you’ll walk away with at least one small and simple change you can implement immediately to avoid becoming a statistic.